By Dr Kate Owen
Clinical Psychologist and Clinical Family Therapist
Families come in various shapes and sizes, each with its unique dynamics. While there's no specific formula for a happy family, certain aspects tend to contribute positively to family life. Below are some of these ingredients along with suggested activities. It's important to understand that creating a happy home doesn't require implementing all these factors; just a few of these factors working well can make a significant difference.
1. A Family Where Everyone Feels at Home:
In a happy family, every member feels valued and cherished. Parents and carers create an environment where children feel safe to express their thoughts and emotions without fear of criticism and judgment. For example, parents can encourage regular family meetings where every member has a chance to speak and be heard, celebrate achievements no matter how big or small, and offer emotional support during challenges to encourage a sense of belonging among family members.
Why not organize a "Family Appreciation Night"? Each family member writes a note expressing gratitude for something another family member has done recently. Share these notes during a special dinner and take turns reading them out loud.
2. Parents Steer The Ship:
A key ingredient in a happy home is having parents who are experienced as safe, reliable, containing, and dependable. This position of leadership helps steer the ship of family life and promotes an effective and healthy 'hierarchy' in the family. Imagine what chaos might ensue if the kids were the most powerful decision-makers in the family! A firm but flexible hierarchy is key, as teenagers need to have increasing power and influence as they grow older.
Parents can set aside time as the leaders of the family to reflect on how they are "steering the ship" of family life and to share experiences where effective parental leadership made a positive impact on family dynamics. This could involve examples of how a balanced hierarchy helped in resolving conflicts or making important family decisions.
3. Rules That Make Sense for Everyone:
Clear and fair rules that are consistently applied are essential in maintaining a harmonious family atmosphere. For example, bedtime rules might be different for younger children and teenagers as this reflects their different needs. By involving everyone in the rule-making process and explaining the reasons behind such rules, rules are more likely to be understood and accepted by all.
Would your family be open to holding a meeting to create a set of family rules together? Discuss why certain rules are important and how they benefit everyone. Write these down and place them in a visible spot in the house. The fridge is always a great option. Encourage family members to discuss what would happen if these rules were not followed, ensuring everyone is involved in the decision-making process.
4. Love That's Always There:
Love is the cornerstone of a happy family and is expressed through gestures, words, a felt sense within the body, and time spent together. Simple acts of kindness, like leaving encouraging notes or spending quality time together, can strengthen family bonds. Expressing love and appreciation openly creates an atmosphere of warmth and acceptance.
Start a “Compliments Jar” for your family. Whenever a family member receives a compliment, witnesses an act of kindness, or wants to express affection for another family member, write it down and place it in the jar. Read these notes together at the end of each week.
5. Supportive Parenting and Partnering:
Supportive parenting involves actively engaging with children’s interests and concerns as a partnership. Parents might not always agree on how to handle situations, but it is important that parents are on the same page most of the time. Or at the very least, to not undermine each other in front of children. Likewise, partners support each other's goals and dreams. When children witness their parents supporting one another, it sets a positive example for their own future relationships.
Set aside time with your partner or a significant adult who is active in your child's life to discuss strategies on how to navigate disagreements in parenting while presenting a unified front to your children. Also, take time to let each other know what each person needs to feel supported as a person and in family life.
6. Embracing Our Differences:
Families thrive when differences are not just tolerated but actively celebrated. For example, if one family member is passionate about art and another about sports, the family can support both interests. Sharing and learning about each other’s unique qualities fosters understanding and acceptance.
Would your family be interested in a "Family Talent Showcase" where each family member showcases their talent or special interest? This could involve a short demonstration of artwork created, a display of sports skills, showcasing a dance routine, sharing a musical performance, reading poetry, or creating a PowerPoint presentation of whatever they see as being their talent and skill set.
7. Thriving Through Change:
Happy families adapt to change together. During challenging times, such as a family move or financial strain, open discussions and support help family members cope. Families facing difficult situations can brainstorm solutions, teaching problem-solving skills and resilience. Helping the family adapt to both expected and unexpected change is an important lifelong skill and can assist with transition points such as family members coming and going.
Find opportunities to reflect as a family on times when change was needed in family life. Explore the strengths that helped your family navigate those times and identify areas that could have been handled differently. This will be a great template of resources that family members can draw on the next time change is required.
8. Everyone Has Their Space, But We're Together Too:
Finding a balance between personal space and family time is important. Family members will need time for themselves and to pursue their interests, while family gatherings and points of connection provide opportunities for togetherness. Respecting individual boundaries while fostering family unity ensures everyone feels valued and respected. Think of family life like an accordion, time together and time apart create the best music.
Promote open conversations among family members to explore their individual needs and their desires for connection and belonging within the family unit. Encourage each family member to share specific examples of how they envision "individual time" and "family time," fostering an understanding of everyone's preferences. This approach aims to uncover each person's unique needs, paving the way for the creation of meaningful family moments and a stronger sense of belonging for all.
9. Talking Honestly and Openly:
Open communication involves active listening, acknowledgement, and honest expression of thoughts and feelings in a safe environment. Family members can share their experiences, fears, and joys with one another. During conflicts, active listening and expressing emotions calmly promote understanding and resolution. Trust is built when everyone knows they can speak openly without judgment and criticism.
Start encouraging intentional and meaningful conversation during dinner. Each family member shares one positive and one challenging experience from their day. Practice active listening and offer support and advice when needed. This routine promotes connection, open communication, empathy, and interest among family members.
10. Laughter and Spontaneity:
Laughter is a powerful bonding tool and is also great for individual well-being. Families can create inside jokes, play board games, be silly together or plan surprise outings. Spontaneous acts of kindness and unique experiences create lasting memories, and humour and spontaneity reduce tension and make family life enjoyable.
Plan a “Family Fun Night” without any prior announcement. Surprise the family with board games, a movie marathon, or even a dance party.
11. Teamwork Makes the Dream Work:
Family projects or activities, like gardening or cooking together, promote teamwork. By assigning tasks to each family member based on their strengths and interests, family members learn to collaborate effectively. Working together toward common goals fosters a sense of belonging and achievement.
Why not decide on a family project that everyone can enjoy and connect over? Keep it simple and achievable, and ensure that everyone contributes to the planning phase. Provide praise, compliments, and encouragement to maintain motivation and don't forget to pick a reward that is meaningful to all.
12. Sharing Responsibilities Fairly:
Assigning age-appropriate chores and responsibilities ensures everyone contributes to family life and the family’s well-being. Acknowledging and appreciating each other’s efforts creates a sense of fairness and equality.
Create a “Family Chore Chart” that outlines daily and weekly tasks. Consider rotating responsibilities so that each family member experiences different chores. Set a good example by acknowledging everyone’s contributions regularly.
Conclusion
In the grand design of family happiness, there isn't a singular roadmap, but rather a tapestry woven from love, communication, appreciation, predictability and adaptability, and a mixture of separateness and togetherness. By embracing these vital ingredients, families can build lasting bonds, ensuring everyone involved has a happy and fulfilling family life.
Please note that this article is educational in nature and does not constitute therapeutic advice. Please seek the support of a professional if you require assistance.